im drinking this country out of the recession.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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