Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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