I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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