when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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