the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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