Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
