I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm too high and old for this...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
