She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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