I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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