If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
