I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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