very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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