evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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