his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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