I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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