I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
being pregnant is like rehab
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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