i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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