my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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