Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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