i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
