Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
