So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
