Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
