I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
