I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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