Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
