if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just found puke in my bra..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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