I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
