remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
