I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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