addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
