WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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