She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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