so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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