i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she told me i tasted like america
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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