i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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