just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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