my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
