I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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