i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
