More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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