I cockslap morals
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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