On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
