omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
