flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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