No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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