i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
