You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
