hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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