This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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