I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
